Number of posts : 6638
Registration date : 2007-01-07
|Subject: Marshall (Psyclon 9) apologizes Tue 19 Oct 2010 - 11:43|| |
- Quote :
- unday, October 10, 2010
Cleanliness [a message to my world]
Again, I find myself staring at this screen in preparation to speak to my fans. I've always
had a problem using that word "fans". It makes you seem so distant and makes me feel as
if I'm placing myself above you, which was never my intention. There's a big difference between
this moment of preparation and all of the moments before this. Today, I intend to reach out to
each one of you who are reading this in apology.
I have heard a lot of rumors, and I have let them run their course and I intend to shed some
light onto the recent press that has been surrounding not only myself but, Psyclon Nine as well.
As, I'm writing this, one sentence is repeating in my mind over and over again. I let my fans down.
Just typing that out and reading it here on this screen is so utterly heart wrenching. I have spent
so many nights tossing and turning because I've been too afraid to face my own irresponsibility.
I hope to do just that tonight.
I feel that in order for me to truly apologize to you, that I need to be completely honest and
transparent. Now, I know that a lot of you already know this but, it is very hard for me to tell you
nonetheless that I have been addicted to drugs for most of my musical career. Mostly, heavy,
narcotic painkillers. After my mothers suicide, I took a dive into darkness, I tried to use the
darkness to write an album but, it was too much. The drugs completely took over my life and
it reached a point where I had to quit or give up my band, my girlfriend and everything else
that I cared about. I did manage to quit for about a month or two but, the impending stress
of finishing We the Fallen and the upcoming Imperative Reaction tour caused me to go down
that ugly path again. Only, this time it was much worse. That tour should have kick started our
career as a serious contender among the other bigger bands of the genre but, it didn't. And most
of the reason was my drug habit. We ended that tour knowing that we would all go separate ways
and that Psyclon Nine was just about over. I had hoped to keep it together but, for the wrong reasons.
When all was said and done. I had nothing left. I was barely alive. I had become too far gone for
my friends to look at. I couldn't relate to anyone anymore. There were only a very small
handful of people who could still stand to be around me. It was during this time in which, I was
attempting to live off of merch sales. I'm being honest with you when I tell you that I had NEVER
intended to rip anyone off. NEVER. However, I did get way over my head with sales, and my
drug habit kept me from ever shipping anything out. I kept telling myself that I would ship it all
out on Friday, then Monday, then Friday again. After months of this, I completely lost track of
who I even sold to. This has kept me up nights on so many occasions. Eventually, I reached a
point where I had decided that I had made too big a mess of my life and that I should just take
my own life. But, I couldn't do it. The thoughts of letting my fans down, letting my friends and
family down and the fact that I didn't believe that I could ever escape my addiction led me
to believe that I would be better off dead. The longer this went on, the worse this feeling got until
a short series of events caused something to awake inside of me. In particular, It was my
girlfriend showing me that there was still someone worthwhile with a lot of potential
beneath all of the darkness, it was a simple letter from a fan telling me that I was his idol
and realizing that I was setting an example for thousands of young fans to follow, and
it was the hope that one day, I could still turn this all around...
I have now been clean and sober for six months. I had to seek professional help and will more
than likely be involved in one level of therapy or another for the rest of my life. This clean perspective
has opened my eyes to what is really important in life. It is now in my hopes to right all of the wrongs that I
have caused over the last several years. Starting with this apology:
You have no idea how much strength you have all given me to get through these months. To get me going
in the right direction and to help give me a chance at living a life worth living. To each of you who
have ever written me, came to my shows, shook my hand, given me a hug, screamed the words to every song
of the set in the front row, and to those of you who must have felt heartbroken over my utterly irresponsible
actions : I am truly and deeply sorry for letting you down. Please, give me the chance to heal the wounds that
I have inflicted. Each of you reading this mean everything to me. You really do. You are all such
an important part of my life and I never want that to go away.
To each of you who have made a merch purchase from me and are still waiting to receive your items : Again, I am truly
sorry for my irresponsible actions and I will do everything that I can to make sure that each and every one of you are
taken care of. So if you made a purchase and never received your merch, Please, write me here on Myspace and allow
me to make this up to you.
To each of you who are wondering what will become of Psyclon Nine : Until I can truly say that I am recovered, I cannot
be involved with Psyclon Nine. This may take years. I do hope to release the last album one day though. Never say never.
To each of you reading this right now : I realize that this may not be the most elegant message that I've ever written but, I've done
my best to let you in on the truth. Please know that I care for you all and again, I am truly sorry for my actions.
I realize that this message will not fix everything and that we still have a long way to go together, but, nonetheless, I look
ever forward to your messages, to getting back in touch with those of you who might have felt wronged, with those of you
who are just now becoming fans of the band, and all of those in between.
I love you all,
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/neroxbellum/blog#ixzz12XagYvId